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It was all bent and worn and it looked longingly at me as if it had been waiting for me. I picked up the book and read it in a single sitting, almost five consecutive hours enraptured by it. In retrospect I can only wonder why I felt the need to hold the book so close, so as to not lose sight of it even as I slept. Perhaps it served as a surrogate teddy bear, comforting in the familiarity of its hard spine pressed hard against my cheek underneath my pillow should I awaken from a nightmare. My first introduction to The Book Thief came when I plucked it from the bookshelf in my dad’s office—with permission, for I felt no desire to fulfill the irony of stealing a book about thievery.

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I had thought that the truth was beneath this, like a mystery waiting to be solved. Maybe there was someone who had successfully revealed the “truth” of Lolita in all it’s ugliness, someone who had pushed past all Lolita ’s beauty and emerged with a final knowledge of it. By the time high school rolled around, that girl was nowhere to be found. After years and years of being told what to think and the “right” questions to ask, I had retreated into intellectual paralysis.

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The only letters that remain are “O TA.” On the inside, my brother inscribed, “I’ve drawn you here as I thought Mama would. I hope this book, in all its fairy-tale grotesquery, reforms your view and experience of literature in the way it did for me.” And then, on the next page in red, bold letters was the name LOLITA. The book explored the seemingly ludicrous claim that modern Western science had somehow l ead to the same conclusions as ancient Eastern mysticism. As many other scientists undoubtedly had when the celebrated book was first published, I approached it with much skepticism. However, as I got into the book, I slowly realized the genius of Capra’s ideas.

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In times of strife, I would often revisit these myths, using them to process and understand the stress of my young life. It was late December and the snow was gently falling outside. I sat in an armchair in front of a wood fire with a cup of tea and read. I read for hours until my skin stung, my neck stiffened and my head ached. At night, I would draw myself a bath and lay in it until the water went cold and read. Most distinctly I remember running to the bathroom, chapter after chapter, to throw up. It was all at once a beautiful and harrowing experience.

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